Microsoft Windows 98 Source-Code (in C)
Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project: Version - Windows 98
Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main(){
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old) {
if (there_are_still_bugs) {
market(bugfix);
}
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point) {
raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
}
}
while(everyone_chats_about_new_version) {
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder) {
make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder) {
market_time=ripe;
say("It will be ready in one month);
order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
vapourware=TRUE;
break;
}
}
}
switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress) {
case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
say("Yes it will work");
ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
pretend(there_is_no_problem);
break;
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to the 32 bits architecture");
inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant 'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
break;
case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for everyone");
register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
}
when(time_is_ripe) {
arrest(journalist);
brainwash(journalist);
when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree) {
order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
release (journalist);
}
}
break;
while (vapourware) {
introduction_date++; /* Delay */
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
break;
say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
}
release(beta_version)
while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware) {
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems) {
say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_pla y) {
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this bastard");
}
}
}
if (there_is_another_company) {
steal(their_ideas);
accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);
hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_law suit);
buy_out(other_company);
}
/* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at us */
order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
buy(nice_little_island);
hire(harem);
laugh_at(everyone, for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_anothe r_unfinished_version);
}
void bugfix(void){
charge (a_lot_of_money)
if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix) {
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
if (still_complaints) {
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
}
}
}
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